Our Own Cups of Coffee...

2011-10-23T21:27:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

It was a hard time for us.

Juliana left us today at 6.30pm. I would lie here and pretend that I knew what Juliana was going through in her last few breaths. I would lie here and tell you that she passed away peacefully. I would lie here and say that we all were alright to let her go, without a single hesitation.

Sis, I hope she is with you. I am fearful not knowing where she is, right now. Wherever she may be, may she be well and happy.

:'( Goodbye, Juliana. Keypa misses you.

2011-10-22T20:11:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

I am in Singapore now. Juliana's in hospital. NUH again. Mom's here with me.Got a call from Ji Fu on Tuesday, telling me that Juliana was admitted into hospital, due to breathing problem. Although admitted, Juliana was not placed in the ICU, unlike two years ago. Her lungs were filled with phlegm and they were contaminated. Ji Fu could not tell me much as doctors were unsure too.The maid told mom that Ji Fu was leaving for work on Tuesday morning, when he went into the room to say goodbye to Juliana. It was then he noticed Juliana was gasping for air. Ji Fu shouted for Tonah and they cried in fear. I was told that Justina cried too. You have no idea how relieved I was to hear that Justina cried for Juliana too. I was worried that the little sister had no slightest bond with her.

Mom and I came over on Thursday night. We spend most of our time in the hospital. It is good of the hospital to move Juliana to a room for herself, and not in the ward shared by 6. I was told that the hospital is not charging us any extra, just the same charge as those in the ward of 6. The reason being that the doctors know Juliana.

We had the fright of our lives. Around 5pm, the monitor displayed fluctuating heart rate of Juliana. It looked like her heart rate dropped very low, until it became an alarming low rate. We gathered around her bed, holding her, crying or holding back tears. We were so scared of losing her. Even Ji Fu's side of relatives rushed over. Doctor and nurses walked in and out of the room, and yet no one said anything to us. We cried. An hour later, we found out that the machine malfunctioned. We should have been angry, but we were more relieved that she was alright.

Watch over her, sis.

2011-06-03T18:57:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

Found some old photos of Juliana. She was in the hospital, recuperating in the ICU and then later, thankfully in the normal ward. Somehow the photos still moved me much, as I know Juliana's condition is not any better since the photos were taken in 2005.

Do watch over your angel, Sis. Help her to be strong.

P/s: Found more photos of Juliana, days in the normal ward. Looking tired, but at least stronger.

2011-05-25T23:03:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

It has been a long time since I last wrote you. How are you?

A major change had happened since my last writing. Andy has moved in with me. Remember the little boy who would want to grow up and be like his older brother? Well, he is old enough now. Old enough to decide that he wants to continue his education (phew...).. and wait for this.. in my college. He wants to take up cooking classes, so he registered for culinary arts in my school. :-) So, our nephew is staying with me now.

You should have seen how I slaved myself for more than 2 weeks to clear my collected junks in my second room, just to make sure that he would find delight in having his own space in the small flat I am living in.. the same flat that you had visited 10 years ago. How many times were there? I think you came twice.

Sometimes, when I was walking outside my corridor, I still could remember the way you walked outside, dragging your hurting legs along.. but you were smiling then. The pain was not so severe. You were laughing, as you placed your palms on mom's shoulders, for support...

Junks. Many, many junks. I got a bed and a new mattress for his new room and I was eager, hoping that he would like it. He does like spending time here, although the weather is unbearable at days.

Andy said that now it is official that the three kids are separated - Alvin with mom, Andy with me and Adeline with her aunt. Three kids, living in three separated places. Andy told me that the day he left BM, he messaged his brother, to tell his brother he had left. Alvin replied with a :-( face. I did not know Alvin was that attached to Andy. I guess the years really bind them close. Apart from mom, Andy was the next closest family member Alvin has.

Mom was being mom, argued with me that Andy would not stay long with me. Only for 2 1/2 years, she said. And then, Andy would move back to BM. I reminded her that Andy would have better chance to find a job here. BM is too slow for good jobs. And then, I reminded her that she was the one who kept claiming her sadness that I was living alone, and perhaps would die alone. Now that Andy is with me, she should be happy that I may not 'die alone'. Mom giggled that I caught her and swore she was not fighting over the kids with me.

Mom thought of you during Mother's Day. I took her and the kids out for dinner at her favorite, simple dining place. She told me that she saw an old photo of you, falling out of a box. She cried. She missed you, especially on that Mother's Day.

2011-03-27T23:17:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom is busy again. Cheng Beng is here. These few years, Cheng Beng should be less painful for mom, but then again, I feel like her age is really catching up with her. I feel her exhaustion. I do not know how to make it lighter for her. Her work involves a lot of cooking, and my being in the kitchen and poor in cutting and cooking, slows her down.

She came over yesterday for father's Cheng Beng. I still did not comprehend clearly why she was doing it, after all these years, for a man who treated her bad. And this was supposed to be an ex-husband, who did her physical harm. Too often, and too ugly for memory. And yet, every year, without fail, she would make sure that father would not be ignored. She would set an offering table for him on Cheng Beng Day, as well as the day to commemorate his passing away. She told me before that she pitied a man or any individual who had passed away and did not have anyone to honour him on such days. Still... him??

I guess mom is teaching me forgiveness. If she can forgive - she who suffered the most in his hands, why not me?

Tomorrow, we are gathering in BM, to pay respect to brother and you. I am sure mom would cry again, when she thinks of you two. But her tears are less now.

I am so worried for the day that comes when I have to be the one who carries out all this. I am not sure if I know how to do it her way. I am not sure if I am capable to doing it well, like her.

She told me the other day that she would want to go to Sabah. I am looking for free tickets to bring her there. I promise you, Sis, that I will take care of her the best that I can. You should worry less. Be peaceful wherever you are.

Good night.

2011-02-08T10:00:00.039+08:00

Dear Sis,

I have much to say, for it has been 10 years since you left us, and yet, I do not know what to say. I wrote, and erased. Wrote again and erased again.

I miss you, Sis. 10 years, since you left us. 10 years, and I have nothing but memories of you. You taught me well, sis. You brought me up well. You were my rock, and you are still much my guide after all these years.

I miss you.

Mom told me a story that slipped my mind for quite some time. I was one or two years old only. That should make you only seven or eight. Mom told you to rock me to sleep in the cradle. And being the big sister you were, and the obedient daughter, you did. But being a child sleeping in a cloth cradle, somehow my movement caused my head to slip out. You held my head up and tried to push me back in. But you could not. You cried, fearing that I would fall. You cried and cried until our neighbour walked in on you and helped. When mom told me that, my eyes swell again.

I owe you much, and I don't think I know how to repay you back for all the years you had showered me with much love and care. If only I am given the chance to tell you one more time how grateful I am to you for the all the years you being there for me, as a big sister, as a someone who often look out for me, as someone who takes mom's place in mom's absence...

Thank you, sis. Thank you. I miss you.

2010-12-21T10:25:00.001+08:00

Dear Brother,

It has been 10 years. Really, the time feels like something that slips through the fingers so easily.. and yet, the memory is still there.. What happened.. felt so unreal and yet, we all knew it was real. The memory was so fearful, and yet we had already lived through it. It was ugly, but we had forgiven it. 10 years... you have been gone. That long, huh?

Mom still talk about you in choking voice. She had learned to let you go, but sometimes, the reality was too scary. I know how she feels. I feel it too.

After all these years, it still can't be denied that you are mom's fav. I don't mind, really. I have learned to live in your shadow all the years before you passed away. So, in the years after, I only know that you would be even dearer to mom, and not any less. I have come to accept that. It is easy. I know mom loves me. Maybe even take a bullet for me. But she loves you more. Still do. Maybe it is the first-son syndrome. Maybe it is the Chinese family curse.

In the later years, she would blame herself for you having to work as a manual worker, while Sis would work in the comfort of an air-con office. And so was I. She would say it was her fault you did not study until to a higher level, unlike Sis and me. But she should have known you had a mind of your own. You were stubborn. You did not like studying. Although you did have regret later...

I am so afraid for Alvin. I am afraid he is falling for the same trap you had fallen for, and regretted. He did not intend to study further and did not seem to know what he wants for his life. I felt like I have failed you. I have failed to make sure that the one fear you had would come through.. your son to repeat your steps. I know you would want better things for them - to have what you did not - education. Not that I saw you as a failure. Neither had I thought of you as a failure. You did hold things together for your family. You did manage to bring up a good family. Still, I wish I was not given the responsibility of watching over your kids on my own. I think you would not be so proud of me.

Andy turns out different from what you thought he would be. You would be so proud of him - he became the president of the high school's cadet. He runs Penang Bridge. He did not turn out to be the softie we all feared. Haha. He did not turn out to be like me. :-) But I am worried too, when it comes to his studies. He has just completed his SPM. I don't really see a good effort from him in that area. I hope I am proven wrong.

I don't see much of your precious daughter. Since her mom separated Adeline from mom, we only see her occasionally. I think she is doing better in her studies than her brothers. If that is so, then perhaps it is worth the separation. I do want her, and her brothers, to turn out okay.

Mom is still taking care of your children. It is like her attempt to hold on to having a family of her own. Alvin is turning out almost like you - in terms of the talking style. Andy is trying to be kinder to all - mom, me and his mother. Adeline.. I am not sure of her for now... Mom loves your kids too much, until I feel like she has no choice but to do all the house chores because she knows if she does not, the others won't be. Sigh...

Mom is in her older years, and yet, I am still seeing a lady who has little chance to take a break. She still talks to your photo, which is hanging on the wall. It is like a therapy for her - to drain her feelings out. Other than that, she is coping well. I also feel that the house chores are a blessing. Without it, perhaps she would have too much free time to begin thinking of you and Sis. And without the house chores, she might feel bad about herself.. with the house chores, she would feel useful. I worry for the impact this has on the kids in the longer run.

But then again, perhaps I worry too much.

10 years since... bro. How are you? Where are you? Do you still see us? Do you think of us? Drop by and see mom when you can, okay? She would want that very much.

2010-11-22T10:00:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Happy Birthday. :-)

2010-10-29T22:53:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

It's that time of the year where I would remember.. a time where there is no internet nor text messages, where we would have only phone lines and phone calls, and this would be the time where you would call me and wish me on the eve of my big day. I still keep your phone number stored in my handphone. Not that you would ever call. And moreover, if you would call, it would be to the house phone as you had done in the past, and not to a handphone.

Yeah, sis, your little brother is turning into the BIG 4. See, I can't even say it. I am not comfortable. I know, it is a silly fear, but then again... I was never the type who sat around when I was younger, wondering what I would be doing, or what I would be when I reach the BIG 4. I did not picture a family life. I have accepted that. I cannot deny myself for who I am. I never thought of promotion or high career. I thought of life, as a daily event to tune out to, day in, day out.

I have been a good son. I am not the perfect son. I have my moments of disagreement with mom. It is difficult to see eye-to-eye with mom at times. I could not agree with the way she did some stuff, but then again, I am never the model son. So, we are even.

But I have been a good son. I know I love her. And I make sure she knows that. Even when I was a child, just like you and just like brother, we had always made sure that she knew she was the favorite parent in the house. Well, it was not difficult for her. Look at her competitor - pathetic.

I was not a difficult son at all times. Sure, I have anger issue. But I was not the type that she had to worry about - like taking drugs, clubbing without responsibilities, hanging out and wasting her money etc. I was the good boy. I was the good son-next-door type.

And now that she is old, and you and bro are not around, I am taking care of her financially. I make sure that I give her some so that she has something less to worry about. But you know mom. She is not very good with her budget and I am not earning enough to cover all extra expenses. But I do support her, whichever way I can.

I call her every night. She knows that. I call her every night since you and brother are gone. She needs to be reminded that she still has someone who needs her and depends on her, just like she needs me and depends on me.

I go back weekly to have lunch with her and to catch up on any idle gossips she cares to share. Not that I really remember all her stories, or all those friends she told me about, but it was nice to listen to her stories which she think are interesting enough to share with me.

I am turning the BIG 4, sis. I don't like it but it is happening.

I am planning not to be upset about it, but I don't have to pretend that I like it. I am going to take the day easy and hopefully forgets the day had passed as the day goes by.

Happy birthday to me, sis. Happy 25 + 10 + 5 birthday.

2010-08-27T21:55:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

I had a pleasant lunch with Alvin today. Strange how the situation changed from a few days ago. A few days ago, I was upset. Today, I was relieved. He came over to look for me at my mom's working place. Mom left as she needed to take care of her duty, leaving me with Alvin. After hearing what Alvin shared on the money task, I thought he did think through thoroughly of his desire to buy a car. For that, I was proud of him, unlike a few days ago, when I tried to make sense of the two kids wanting to own a car, without financial security.

But that should settle my worry for Alvin, not necessary for Andy. Andy reminded me much of me when I was younger, when I thought nothing much of money responsibility. But then again, when I was his age, I did not even dream of getting a computer or a new bike when we could not afford. Andy seemed to be calculating what he could be earning when he would start working at the end of the year, and not what he is earning now, which is zero.

I told them not make Andy promise income he is not earning. It is too reckless.

2010-08-19T20:16:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

I wonder if how life would be different if you were around now, to be with me, to see our lives in BM. Would it be better for me, when I don't have to act as the big man to manage the family and bear the blame for the failure? Or would it be worse for the two of us if BM became a reason for us to have disagreement - me, expecting you to manage while I escape, and you, expecting me to be the man of the house... except that I do not know how to be the man of the house.

How does one make unpopular decision in the house and yet, stay to be the popular uncle? I think I am a chicken. I do not know how to tell the kids what not to do. How do I make sense to Alvin that his hesitation to move to a better job would trouble him in the longer run? And would that trouble me too? I don't think I have the heart to see my nephew fumble when he is older. I don't want him to be a failure. I don't want me to be a failure in helping him. And I don't want him to be dad. He cannot be. He must not be.

It's already August and I have not made any plan to be in Singapore. I even missed out on Juliana's birthday recently. I just do not want to travel. I am tired. I am just want to stay still and let the world moves around me. I don't want to do anything. Not to lift my finger and not to jerk my toe. Just be still and hope that the day will come when I am tired of standing still.

Mom's leaving for Singapore at the beginning of Singapore. Even to go, she is worried that she will be reminded how she would not be able to communicate with Justina. It was so much easier when Justina was younger, and mom was the greatest old lady around for her. Now, I think Justina don't really need to hang on to 'an old lady', because she is growing up and needing friends. So, mom's time in Singapore is very much spent with Juliana and tv. And nothing more.

Things change, huh?

Funny. Like how just a few months ago, I mattered so much in someone's life, and now I read the mails like I am a disease in the person's life. I was so loved and now I am a burden.

:(

2010-08-08T22:32:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom told me something I did not know. Mom said that every Chinese New Year, you would give brother RM300 to buy new CNY clothes. When his wife teased him for not being paiseh for accepting the money, he said, you gave - so, he accepted.

I did not know that!

Apparently, our oldest nephew is becoming a coffee addict like you and me.

I lifted the cover of the one mom and I shared. The smaller one beside was the one for Alvin. Mom worried that I would finish up the coffee, hence the prince would have his own container. :-)

2010-08-06T22:22:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Today I made porridge. Yes, sis, your brother is making an effort to cook. Well, I know, I know, ...making porridge is not exactly cooking, but at least I was making use of the kitchen that was not only either boiling water, boiling eggs or cooking maggi mee.

As I wash the rice before cooking, I thought of a moment of you and me. Not an exactly good, happy moment. I remember when you were taking care of me.. when I was in Form 4 and we were staying in 9090. One of those moments where it showed how terrifying your temper could be. I was washing the rice as you had instructed. I did ask how often should I rinse the rice, and you said a few rounds until I felt I had cleaned the rice properly. I did. The water was murky. So, I washed again, and again. And again. I was proud of myself helping out. So, when you stepped into the kitchen, I remember telling you happily that I had rinsed the rice 5 rounds.

I think you had just had an argument with someone outside. So, instead of getting a praise of silly hardwork, you snapped at me, telling me that I had washed all the good stuff off the rice.

Gee.. thank you very much.. :p

2010-08-05T12:19:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

I spent my morning last Sunday helping mom to peel the prawns away from their shells. It gave us a good few minutes of time spending... It was such a nice time when there was no other worries to think, but just the two of us, sharing the silence and occasional story-telling by mom. No me needing to be in charge of something or taking care of anything. No her to worry about what to do later, or what she might have done wrong earlier... I miss times like this with her, when we were younger, and all we did was to do what she needed us to help her with...

Alvin renovated his room window. Mom was so busy that she did not even have the time to check what colour he had re-painted his room with.

Have a ba chiam and mom advised me to tie a black thread around my finger. I am still trying to figure the logic of this. But I did it still.

2010-07-01T23:47:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

El Condor Pasa is playing on my speakers now. It is not a good night. I feel like crying. My eyes are watery.

I feel like you are here with me.

2010-06-28T21:01:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

I noticed mom's wrinkles now. Her skin had grown old. I should not be surprised, but I was. I am watching mom aging.

I am worried about mom lately. She's more tired, but somehow, occupied. I think she is happy with this day job she is handling now. She is happy with the pay. But I sensed that she is more tired. It's like she does not even realised it.

I am happy that she is working there. There, she has cousin Ah Guan to accompany her and chat with her. At home, she's either playing tv game or watching tv. The kids don't really spend time chatting with her, as they have their computer to entertain them. Yeah, mom told me that Alvin does check on her when he comes back home late in the morning. Just like brother, who checked on mom when he came back from his long journey. Like father, like son.

Although I am okay with mom working, I am concerned when mom told me that Ah Guan mentioned that mom needed to sweep and mop the center faster. Something like, within 30 minutes. Mom said she could not, as she was 60+. I hope her boss is not going to be upset with her.

Mom went for medical check-up recently and the doctor gave her packets of medicine. One seemed to be too strong for mom, causing mom to be dizzy and mom got rashes. Mom said there was no fever. Just dizziness and rashes.

Mom had stopped taking that one pill that caused these.

2010-06-19T00:06:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom started working a second job a week ago. She was excited about it. I was worried. I was worried if she could bear with the burden of staying out of the house, from late morning until late evening, from taking care of one snooker center from lunch until evening, and then to be a caretaker of a Chinese association in the evening.

However, when I dropped in to see her in the afternoon, I could see that she was quite relaxed, other than initial cleaning. The owner knows mom is unable to calculate the amount to charge, so he worked out a system that helped mom. She said the job required a lot of sitting behind the counter, and the only thing she was afraid of was falling asleep. She pointed to me the cam where she said the boss would be watching.

Alvin was not really happy with mom being out the whole day. So, he persuaded mom to stop. I told mom she should quit the evening job. Mom agreed but she wanted to give it a try for a month or two, before deciding.

Andy wanted to take up car licence. I told him that we did not have the money for that. Besides, I figured that he could wait, since that he could be earning his own money when he stopped studying at the end of this year.

2010-06-06T21:57:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Andy posted up photos of his younger years, and placed the title 'family'. I was happy to see the photos. Of him. And Adeline. And Alvin. And Justina.

And then I realized that it stopped there.

Will I ever be cool enough for them to add me one day in their photo albums...

2010-05-23T16:38:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

I have this silly thought, or belief, depending on how one sees it.

One cannot be too happy, because something bad would happen and takes that away. I know. It's another phobia. Not a new one, though, sis. It is an old one, subconsciously buried in my head and appears when I am trying to understand what is going on.

More like a plus and minus. When one strikes happiness, it is using up his or her good merits. So, what is left is only his or her weaker merits of past actions. So, demerits may strike. Or like life is punishing you for being too happy. ????? Silly thought, huh?

Well, this is what happens on a Sunday afternoon, when I am too restless with nothing to do.

El Condor Pasa is playing on my speakers. You loved this song, sis. :)

2010-05-16T19:56:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

Apparently, the ghost of the past did not die. Mom cried today. I think she held out to the best she could for more than a year, and today she broke down and cried. She did not calculate properly the right amount of debt that we should have settled last year when we sold off the house. She did not dare to tell me that the debt was amounting to more than RM5k, and as much as she tried to pay back, the interest accumulated and now she was more nervous and began to crack.

I was speechless. I thought that nightmare was over. And here it was coming back to bite mom and me in the back. :(

Mom was so scared that I would be so upset. She cried. I felt it was not right. It was not my money. It was money you left for mom to use in any way she would want to. So, it was really up to her how she would want to use the money. She should have her money. There was nothing for me to be upset about.

In fact, I felt bad for mom. She had to face her friends and could not afford to live a life of comfort. She had to owe, and be belittled by some who did not face her situation. Sure, there were some who sympathized. But mom told me how it hurt some of the relationship. I did not want anyone to look down at mom. I was a little upset about that.

Why am I still with my present job? My old coursemates are earning more than RM5000 a month, driving good cars and owning apartments. Some even earned RM7000. Me? I stick with a job that pays only around RM3500 a month and I am not giving mom the life she should have. But I like this line I am in. What if I change my job line and feels like in a prison, trapped in a job I could not like? I feel like I'm selfish. This is not the first time I feel like this, but the idea of selfishness buries itself in my head often.

I told mom I would give her the money to clear the debts. I don't expect her to suffer on this any further. What does this mean? It means the money you had left behind for her is going to be gone. We would still be alright if it had not been for that woman cheating on mom and spent mom's money away. She spent on a house she could not keep. She spent on a boyfriend who was married. She spent our money and I wonder if she did have any kind of remorse for what she had done to mom.

I need to cut back. Mom needs me. I have to be strong for her.

Mom asked me if this hurt me. It did not. I told her that what hurt my heart was that I was loveless.

2010-05-13T22:03:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom told me that when she was a little girl, working for another family, grandma would ask mom what the family gave her for her lunch. Once, because she did not know what pig intestine was, she kept one in her mouth instead of chewing it. She took it out when she was walking back.

When grandma asked her the lunch of the day, mom showed her the pig intestine wrapped around her little finger.

I slept better last night. I am tired. Hopefully I have another good night tonight. :)

2010-05-12T11:48:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

Char koay kak. That was all.

And yet I woke up at 1.45am.

I had this silly thought in the past that I had a guardian angel who protected me.

And then I had an even sillier thought that perhaps my guardian angel was my lover from my past life. How else could I explain my lack of romance life? My angel is jealous and wants me all to herself or himself. Hence, I'm living this nightmare or miserable, frustrating lack of romance love life.

Now I'm just angry. Not only that I'm loveless, I'm sleepless too.

I'm tempted to give up on the idea of a guardian angel. I'm tired and sleepy. :(

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-05-11T21:20:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Chocolate cream bread. Lime juice. Almond drink.

For a 39 year old guy going on to 40, it is funny how I have developed a new fear of the night. I am afraid of waking up in the middle of the night and unable to go back to sleep. I can still fall asleep. But I wake up too fresh to fall back into sleep. I slept at 12.30am. Woke up to switch off the air-con. Too cold. Slept Woke up again later. Warm. It felt like it was 5am. Checked the time. It was only 1.50am. What???

Back to the sofa, where I slept from around 3 to 7.15am.

Today's your youngest daughter's birthday. Called her just now to sing her a happy birthday song. She did not go out because it is an exam week for her.

2010-05-10T14:22:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

I fetched mom out for lunch, to have a meal together for Mother's Day. She pressed her cheek onto my back, more of a loving way to tell me that she appreciated my presence to be with her for this day. I could not help but to remember the ways she played with the kids when they were younger. She would pull me or you to lay our heads on her lap, and to see if Alvin (or Andy) would be jealous enough to immediately rush over and pull us away, so that they could hug mom tightly away from us.

Such was the draw mom had on those kids when they were younger and mom was the best in the world in their eyes. Now, they had grown up, and they showed their love in different ways.

2010-05-09T14:11:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Cousin Leng Ee was involved in an accident recently. She had to go for stitches. Mom said that it was her second time getting involved in her motorbike accident. I thought maybe it was because she was too tired from her own business of selling bee hoon. The villagers and mom did not share my opinion. Mom asked her to ask her late brother for forgiveness. Leng Oo did ask for money from her but she did not want to give. Mom said Leng Oo must be upset.

I thought it was illogic of Leng Oo's spirit to seek revenge because obviously he should know that the reason he wanted the money was not to be entertained. I thought Leng Ee had a good reason to say no. But then again, if a spirit is angry, since when a spirit is able to reason? An angry demon is difficult to handle, if he did become one.

2010-05-06T08:43:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

I read somewhere that I should jot down my sleepless nights. As in writing down my diet and also things I do before sleep, in my sleepless nights.

I woke up at 4am this morning, and could not go to sleep again. I had to drag myself out of the bed and slept on the sofa. I did doze off at 5am.

What did I eat? Burger at 8pm. Teh tarik at 11pm.

What did I do? I watched tv and read a book.

2010-05-05T21:41:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

Told mom last night that I cried for the past two days. She just uttered a 'hrm'. Not 'hm' or hum. But a 'hrm'. That was all before we hung up the phone.

Told her today that for the first time I was able to sleep without waking up restless at 2am. I think she did not hear me. Must be that. She just talked about finding a new place where she ate a lot with cousin Ah Guan.

Again, I should not have tried to share. It was pointless.

2010-05-04T13:15:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

I cried again last night. and another sleepless night. Unlike the previous many nights, I spent this morning sleeping on the sofa. I let Harry Potter film played while I shut my eyes. That helped me to get another 3 hours of sleep.

At work, I worried about nothing but the mention of the name that could make my heart sank in sadness.

2010-05-03T16:02:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

The true test result for one is not when one assumes he is already alright but when one confronts the dreaded day. Mine came today. Strong I thought I was but I crumbled just so easily at the mention of the name. I failed. I'm not strong enough. It's not over yet for me.

When someone loves me, shouldn't it be forever?

2010-04-25T00:44:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

I am not sure whose habit I inherited for this, but sometimes, when I feel like picking up and do something, I would just do that.

A few years ago, I looked at the pink walls in my house and I was tired of the pink. I told my godbro and another friend of my intention to re-paint. My godbro showed up during the weekend and we spent an hour to buy the colours I would want for my place - red, blue and apple green. Plus white. So, I did repaint.

That was a few years ago.

A few evenings ago, around 9+ pm, I got tired of looking at my laptop, and decided to clean up my place. A fresh paint for some worn-out corners and more. So, I just got myself started and ended up the job at 1.30am. All that, because of I decided that I would want to.

Crazy, I know. But that was me. Sometimes, it is just fun and different to be spontaneous.

2010-04-18T22:17:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

I got myself another windchime. This is the 3rd windchime I hang in my place. I don't know. There is something about windchime that when it tingles, it soothes the mind. Not that it drives my problems away, but the few seconds when I am aware that the windchime is chiming, I forget my problems. I only know of the comforting sound. :D

Sometimes I wondered why you and brother were taken away when you two were only 36. At first I was worried when 36 was coming near. I wondered if I would be able to outlive that number. And I did. And now I wondered why. Perhaps life knew our biggest fear and chose to pain us in the way it knew best - picking our biggest fear. Would mine be the fear of life without someone to love me in return?

I wonder how many would believe this, but I figure that I am a bad lover. Not that I have that many experiences but both were good enough to make me think that if I am ever to have any lover, my lover would get tired of me. I am pretty much a boring person, when it comes to relationship. Not that I did not try to liven up relationship. I tried. I did whatever I would think that would be interesting and lovable but somehow I felt they were tired halfway in the relationship.

And the worst was that I think I talked too much. Not that it was a problem but to the point that I was made to believe that I imposed my view on them. I know I did speak out some that I disagree on, or those I have strong opinion on, but I know I didn't insist I was right for everything. Why did they fail to see the moments I agree with them? Was I really that loud?

I remember the story about a beautiful nun during the Buddha's time. She was a beautiful lady. Before she was a nun, she was a rich family's daughter. The parents arranged her marriage to another guy, who should be so lucky to marry such a beautiful and well-mannered lady. But a few weeks later, the man returned her to the her parents, without able to quote any reason why he was unable to continue being her husband. Shamed by this, and yet, still wanting their daughter to be happy, they managed to persuade another guy of a different class to marry their daughter by giving him a lot of money. He did, and he returned her too, a few weeks later. Devastated, the parents were determined to marry her off at the sight of the first man who came to their house that day. It was a monk. Persuading the monk to disrobe, and offering money, the monk agreed after being captivated by the lady's beauty. After a few weeks, the ex-monk returned the lady too, without any reason.

The lady was sad, but she was fortunate to come across the Buddha's teaching. She renounced the world and be a nun. She developed psychic power and was able to see her past life - where she was responsible for breaking up a relationship.

Did I do that in my past life?

2010-04-16T11:29:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

That woman gave mom RM100 to cover for the Cheng Beng expenses. Well, she knows that forgiveness does not come easy and she is not pushing for it. Not that mom and I want to deal with this for now. When the time comes, perhaps we will decide what we should handle the situation for her.

Knowing mom, I am willing to bet that mom bends easily for her, to forget the past. Mom does not like the idea of a woman moving on to her old age alone. It's getting the kids to accept her. Surely, there is no problem with Adeline and her. Andy should be alright. It is the matter of Alvin and her.

I think the house that led us to the trouble is cursed. Apparently after selling the house to the new tenants, the new tenants may be heading for separation now. Maybe it is not clean.

I am cleaning my own place. I am tired of the old things - old clusters. I want my space. I want my home to breathe.

2010-04-10T11:31:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Have I really portrayed myself so differently that some don't know me? I do not know whether to be proud or to feel let-down by this... :-) I posted my status update in Facebook recently. It was a simple update. Just stating that I was scared.

And I had these few replies among others -

dun scared, Sir. hehehe.. nth can make u scared, cos u r Mr.Jonathan.
Jonathan wor ... nothing will scare u one lar

I wonder if I should have considered them sweet, or I fail to take care of myself well, that I suppressed my emotion within too well that I am hurting myself in the longer run..

Me not scared? If only they knew.. I often remember the cartoon film - Lion King, where Mufasa said others assumed that since he was a king, he was not scared of anything.. Mufasa told little Simba that he was scared. He was scared of losing Simba.

I am no Mufasa. I am no king of any jungle, or king of anything. I have a bad temper which is translated as courage at times, which lands me in trouble, at times.

I have too often been scared, in my life.

I was scared when father chased me with a butcher knife down the road of Malacca Street when I was 10.
I was scared when I watched father raising his hand to hit mom almost every midnight one particular week when I was 8 or 9.
I was scared when I knew mom could not outrun father when he chased us after we left him. I was so afraid she would be hurt again.
I was scared when father beat mom until she was bleeding.
I was scared when mom left our home, when I was 10, not knowing where or when I would see her again.
I was scared when I lost you, knowing that all mom had left now was only me.
I was scared that I could not take care of mom as well as you and brother could.
I am scared what I would be when I am old.
I am scared I would be alone.
I am scared I would not find love.
I am scared this is all I have.

Mr. Jonathan is not scared?? Ha. That made me tickled.

2010-04-04T21:52:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom could not sleep last night. And she told me she thought she heard you in the house last night. No, it was not a night where mom got scared, hearing you. Unlike others, mom is one who looks forward to hear from you or brother. She still holds the belief strongly that her two favourite children would come to see her. And she counts on her belief often enough to help her heal her broken heart.

Alvin is working two jobs now, worrying about the monthly income unable to support him. I am worried for him. I am worried that he would not be able to take care of himself in the longer run. I hope I would be proven wrong.

Andy has a new favourite in the house now. Mom helps a friend to take care of her dog. Andy is only too willing to take care of the dog, which seems to take a liking toward Andy.

2010-03-29T22:13:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom celebrated her birthday on Sunday. She celebrated her 67th birthday, according to the lunar year. She did not want a fancy celebration, so we went out for a simple lok-lok.

Mom pulled me aside to tell me that Andy had been harassing his little sister, Adeline, to come back to accompany mom. Mom told me that she did not dare to tell Andy that she's already tight financially, taking care of Alvin and Andy. With Adeline, it would be too much for her. She did want the three kids to come back, once. But after having the first two in the house, mom realized that it was financially impossible.

2010-03-27T07:28:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

It's 7.15am and I'm writing to you from the graveyard. This year, we left for Cheng Beng at 6am. One, because the kids can't wake up so early if we leave at 8. At 6am, they have not slept yet. Two, I demand that we avoid the crowd and the morning burning sunlight. Unlike other places, the sunlight at cemetary is not warm and welcoming. It burns, punishing those who are still alive. This morning, with the morning chill, it is, once, a Cheng Beng that is bearable. So far.

The kids chipped in to help more this year. It must be that they are less edgy, unlike last year when they were forced to wake up.

The morning traffic was practically non-existent. Brother's grave compound had been fixed, so it is even enough for us to walk on. Of course it is tile-less now, but it is better. It is only cemented. We don't have the budget to re-tile.

I realized that the only Cheng Beng you, and brother, had attended was father's. It is different for us here. We have to go to 3 different places, carrying loads of prayer items on our motorbikes, to pay respect to father, Ah Poh, brother and you. Thank goodness Andy has license for bike now. So, there are 4 bikes now, to carry the loads of stuff.

I have been better lately. Maybe there is a reluctance acceptance now. Still, I did wish I could turn back time, to when it all started so that I have my 3 months of happiness. But then again, if I could turn back time.. I would have wished for an earlier time when we were all together.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-03-21T20:21:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

My old bike came back to the familiar place last night. PBT2386 was home for one night last night - here, when Andy fetched mom over to my place. It was nice to see the old bike parked in the place it was so used to. Mom came over because mom wanted to pay respect to father for Cheng Beng today.

I brought mom out for dinner, and Andy wanted Pizza too. So, I bought him a personal pan pizza from a busy Pizza Hut after our night dinner Bah Kut Teh. Mom did not ask me even once how I was feeling. I think she must have thought she had done her maternal duty when she inquired of my position a week ago, and since then, with her advice, I should be all fixed up. How wrong. Perhaps she was not brought up to deal with a son's sad feeling. Maybe she was better talking to you about personal things, and not with me. If only I were her daughter. But then again, if I were.. I might not have this chest pain today.

I could not help to be bitter today. I did not really feel like going to pay respect to father. I mean, really.. what did he really do for us, other than to mess up our lives? Only mom who is ever devoted to making sure that all those who are departed have been taken care of, properly, no matter how bad the person was when the person was living.

I knew mom would also ask him to look out for us financially. Not that she was really believing that he could, but perhaps good things do happen to good people, when good deeds are done. I was bitter about that. I mean, it was not like he was securing a good future for me, helping me out with my love life. I have nothing but short-lived relationships, leaving me nothing but feeling void and scared of loneliness. I am definitely going to spend my old age in old folk's home alone.

It was easy for me to take it out on father. I mean, he was the weakest link in the family, where I did not think of anything wonderful done by him.

I told Andy that when it comes to my turn, I want my ashes to be scattered on the sea water. There's no point to keep me around when I don't have anyone left. Another point is that I am a Buddhist, and I don't see the point for this.. But somehow, I do believe that the first point is the stronger, self-pity point I am bending toward for now. But I did tell Andy that mom fears no one would look after her in her after-life and I hope that Andy would remember this. He would have to help me to take care of you all, when I leave.

Days are not easy yet for me. Chest pain is still here. I wake up to my early morning of sleeping on the long sofa. It is the only one that it helping me to sleep. On it, I think of nothing, and I sleep sooner than when I am in bed.

I realized that there is a curse on us for relationships. Mom had the longest with father, although it was a dead relationship. Brother had a good 10 years, before stroke took his life. You had only a few years before cancer took yours. I had one that ran for 2 years 1 month and another beautiful short-lived one for 3 months.

What did I do in my past life? What vow did I undertake??

2010-03-18T10:59:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Is there a way for me to get out of life? At times, I just want to crawl to a dark corner and wrap myself in my own arms/hug, and not to come out until the problem passes? I feel like screaming... just shouting out loud where I can just push this problem out...

I had another restless night. Closed my sleepy eyes only for a minute or two, and woke up to find that the time was 12.15am. I did not beat the night. The night was still wanting me to bear with the pain.

2010-03-17T22:23:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

Only in my sleep that I forget that I have a heart, and thus, there is no aching. Sleep gets difficult these two days. I was not able to fall asleep easily and would wake up in the middle of the night, recalling fast where I was and the discomfort I was in.

In the morning, I wake up and within minutes, my heart would start feeling the pain. And I have to carry this pain throughout the day. It suffocates me but I am handling it much better than a few days ago.

I think I heard you the other morning, thinking that it was mom who called out to me. Do you know of my pain, sis? I need you so badly to tell me that your little brother is going to be alright and that you are always going to be there for me. Guide me, sis. Take care of me.

2010-03-14T16:17:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

It happened today. I cried, in front of mom. She just had to open her mouth and uttered a word or two, and I crumbled. I cried in front of her.

Strange. From mom, she told me the words of the Buddha. This was from someone who never attend a Buddhist talk or goes through a Buddhist event. She reminded me, just like the Buddha's words, that everything changes. We have to learn to accept that. Life is never permanent. Life changes. People changes. People love. People unlove. What does start, does not end the way we want.

Mom thought my ex left me because I was bad-tempered. She said I had to adjust that. I told her my story. That was when she wanted to tell me that everything would be alright. That I have to let go.

Words of the Buddha - came from mom.

Mom offered to stay with me. I declined. I told her that I have to face it alone.

2010-03-11T19:59:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

It's mom's birthday today. She is 66. :) Yeah for her.

I waited until 12am to call her this morning and she was pleased. Of course she wants to celebrate only her Chinese birthday which is 2 weeks from now. She does not want me to take her out to any fancy restaurant. Most likely she would only want to have Bak Kut Teh dinner, with her grandkids and me.

I spent my evening listening to Ajahn Brahm last evening - to listen to him about dealing with my problems. Somewhere in his message, I heard him saying that the problem is not in the loneliness, but the way we relate to loneliness. We believe we are affected because we believe in the idea of 'self'. If one is to know that it is non-self, then one has the ability to set one's mind's free from attachment.

How true.

2010-03-09T23:16:00.003+08:00

Dear Sis,

Only when I am with a group of people and as I continued to talk, and talk, that I forgot my situation for a while. And now that I am alone again, my heart carries a lump that is so difficult on me that I cannot breathe easy. At times I am strong and I don't care much. At times I just want to hate life and hate everything.

I am only thankful that I am a Buddhist. Breathe. Be patient. Be calm. The heart will face the problem willfully. I keep telling myself all the wisdom that Buddhism is teaching me now, Sis. I am suffering because I want this. I am clinging onto it. I let the heart crave and that's how I am weakened. Do not believe that 'this is me. This is mine. It belongs to me.' If I can strengthen my faith in the words the Buddha, then I am less insane. Truthfully, without it, I would have gone mad. I put up a strong face in a crowd but I am weak. I crumble when I am alone. My mind tells me to let go and be strong. That everything will be alright. And I know that everything will be alright. It is just that it is not alright now.

Somehow I remember back a few years ago when I went mountain-hiking with a group of friends. I was in a situation not unlike now. It was even worse that the person who rejected me was in the group. I was nowhere able to keep up with the group and felt so helpless. It was in the hike down that I found my strength and I was ahead of the group. I kept moving forward, encouraged, as I pulled myself up by the tree roots and trunks, telling myself to remember the Buddha's words. Just focus on the breathing. Just be mindful and be in the moment. Let go of the past. Do not think much of the attachment. Let go. I kept my concentration on my breathing. With each breath I took a step forward. It was like with each breath I was breaking free.

With each breath, I shall be free.

2010-03-07T23:14:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

I am at the point which I wish I could just cry hard the pain away. Just one cry, to get all these over with. But I can't. Days are not going to be kind to me. I know time heals. I only wish the days would forward soon enough.

I kinda wish for a sleep that I don't have to wake up again. Just let me sleep. Just let me shut my eyes and sleep the longingness away. Not the sleep that I am dead. But just one that I don't have to wake up and deal with the shit life is thrashing on me.

I felt like tears were going to run down my cheeks when I were least expecting. I walked at a mall, and I felt like crying. I let the TV plays the movies, and yet my heart aches. The actors joked, and I did not feel like laughing. I felt lousy.

The thought that it was over was too bitter to swallow for now. It should not be over, but it is.

I just want to cry hard. Really, really hard.

2010-03-07T13:43:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Here I am, in BM on another typical Sunday. Mom's back from Singapore after 4 days visit.

Mom's talking about her trip - about your kids, about her time spent there and her conversation with Tonah, your maid and also with your father-in-law. Mom's less enthusiastic about her trips there now as Justina's growing older and is less attached to her. Somehow, mom still want to be the driving force to hold the whole family together, but kids seem to have minds of their own. She feels out of place and easily bored.

As she continues talking to me about her uneasiness with her Singapore trip, I wonder if she knows her son in front of her is mending an aching heart. I don't even know if I can talk to her about my problem. I wonder if I can talk to anyone about my problem.

I have thought before that I would be there if Alvin or Andy or Adeline would cry over their first heartbreaks. Now, it's like me who wants to talk to someone, anyone. But I can't.

I feel so disconnected.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-03-06T18:04:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

I am not as strong as I thought. Help. :(

2010-03-06T13:18:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

It's time like this when I wish you are around. I wish you are around, for me to pick up the phone and call you, to tell you of my situation and to hear you say something, anything to me. I called Adeline last night. It was just a call of false security to let myself know that I still have people who are important to me and they are happy to have me around. I went to my godbrother's house, just to play his sons - my godsons. At the end, I still come back to an empty home, and the silence made me wanna shed tears.

Something happened to me recently. Something beautiful. And I knew it would be short-lived. Somehow, I welcomed it, knowing that I would treasure the memories. I do, even in the midst of my heart aching a little here. I was happy. And now, I am just bearing with the little sadness that my happiness was taken away from me, leaving me back to where I have always been familiar with - me on my own.

How I hate life this way, and yet I know I cannot be anything less than the guy who was taught to face difficulties, swallow the bitterness and get up and move on with the life. And that's what I am telling myself to do. It is just the few moments in the day when I remember the one that made me happy for the past few months and I feel sad. I feel I am half-ok and yet half-wanting to cry my heart out.

Damn... Sis, I feel pain. :(

2010-02-16T11:45:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

It's already the 3rd day of Chinese New Year.

As said, mom was looking sad during the eve. I was wondering if it was related to financial problem again, although she did indicate she was wishing you and brother were able to celebrate together the eve with us. Although she wanted to say that the number of people sitting around the table was less now, I pointed to her that this year, unlike last year, Adeline made it back to have reunion dinner with us. She was not allowed to return, because of the stupid uncle she was staying with. I heard that it was her mom's grandma who told the uncle off.

Adeline's mom came back for Chinese New Year. Not in our BM house, though. Not sure if mom or me would forgive her enough to let her step back into our lives. Not that we were not forgiving kind, but we preferred to celebrate Chinese New Year peacefully, without nasty words and accusation flew around the house if she were to show up.

She gave mom angpow this year, through Adeline. Mom almost cried. She gave me one too. I had wanted to refuse but the angpow was passed to me in front of the kids. I did not want to make a scene. So, I took the angpow and determined to spend it as soon as possible on a Chinese New Year meal.

I was a little frustrated with Alvin before Chinese New Year Eve dinner, when he said that he was not hungry yet, and did not feel like eating. Like hello, deja vu. I remembered you shouting at me when I refused to move and preferred to watch TV. You lectured me about the importance of eating together, when I was all that naive and stupid 17. I switched off the TV, unhappy. But the dinner was fun, and it made me regretted I made such a silly fuss about eating dinner together. I remembered I laughed so much at mom's jokes, about how people complimented her nose being small and narrow, and you sarcastically said that it must had been really dark. I laughed so much at other jokes too, until my stomach was full of air, unable to eat much. But it was a good night. That was really the best CNY Eve dinner, for us. Well, for me, at least, although brother was not there - not that I was close with him those periods to want him to be around.

Mom did try to joke again when we began to have reunion dinner in Penang. Unfortunately, that stupid woman (not mom) kept a frown face and although brother grinned a bit, mom did not joke again at reunion dinner table. That woman killed mom's jokes.

When we settled down for dinner, Alvin joined us. So, it seemed that my frustration was pointless. It was a family reunion, after all.

I left on the first day of Chinese New Year, as usual. Unlike mom, I was not looking forward to a crowded gathering. I would not know where to sit, where to blend in, where to joke, or where to keep a sane mind. I am not good in this. Unlike mom. She was so happy to cook extra dishes for the arriving relatives. She complained, but I pointed to her that she was happy to have a crowded house. She laughed, knowing that I knew I was right.

2010-02-13T19:06:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

It's the 30th night of the Chinese Year End. Mom looks more sad than in the previous years. She does not tell me why.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-02-08T10:55:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

I woke up this morning, staring at the familiar date on the calendar, and wondered whose birthday it was. I bet my mind was not playing a trick on me. Alvin's birthday is Feb 12. I was pretty sure of that. So, Feb 8? I was on my bike when I remembered why Feb 8 bothered me.

It has been 9 years since you left us. 9 years??!! It felt long and yet I felt relief to know that mom and I were able to let you go. It was not easy, but now you stayed a memory. And I was afraid of that. I did not want you to be just a memory. I want you to be real. That you are still alive and well in my head. Will I forget you one day? I am scared I would.

This is silly. I was afraid you would forget me. Sometimes, I wonder if you, wherever you are now, would remember the people you were close to. The people whom you loved dearly, and who loved you. You see, I don't even like using past tense. I dislike telling people 'she was my sister'. How can it be a 'was'? You are my sister. Stupid English.

You had mom to worry for. And your favourite Juliana who is weak. And Justina. And your husband. Where do I dare to fit in? If you should remember us, I have to take a backseat to these people. Would I still be that important to you, as I once was? And now, it is me who is forgetting such an important date.

I am scared I would forget you, and I don't want to. :(

2010-02-03T15:25:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom was robbed. It was an unfortunate case, but thankfully she was unharmed. Mom went to the bank to pay for your housing loan installment. Yes, it is still under your name as it was difficult to transfer the name to Ji-Fu's, as he is a Singaporean.

After parking her motorbike, a car stopped by and three men forced mom into the car. They ransacked all items in her pouch and her pockets and took RM500. Mom said she was jabbed at the back with a blunt thing which was hidden under a guy's jacket. It could have been a knife. So, mom did not fight back.

I sensed mom upset by the whole thing. I told her that I would give her the money to pay for the housing loan.

Your daughter, Justina, called mom to ask of her condition and she managed to make mom laugh.

Just that she was upset with the men, A year ago, that useless lady, whom I would not name, claimed she was robbed. I did not want to care much, as I was tired of her financial problem, This year, it was mom. Sigh. Was it kamma to ignore the case last year?

Mom's alright. Just thought you should know.

2010-01-31T21:54:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom made you a cup of coffee today, the way she made for us when we were beginning to appreciate that addictive drink of us. She told me to serve you.

I fetched mom back to BM today. To a certain extent, I felt bad for her that she still had to ride around on motorbike when her sisters are enjoying the comfort of being brought around in cars. Not that I would want to own a car now. Mom is known to enjoy running around a lot, which means higher expenses. Besides, she sees me only once in a while, which means I may not need the car at all.

Mom was so happy to put up her lightings that I was asked to take photos of her decor. Even the neighbour's daughter praised her tree, which made her so happy. :D

2010-01-31T00:32:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

Chinese New Year is around the corner, and it is time like this that I appreciate the idea of having brother around. With him, his place became the center for us to gather. Sure, you would join us only days later, but still, the point is that we would gather together. As family. Of course mom is the point of the center, which means that she is trying hard to make sure that the kids and I stay close to her. I have to admit that the feeling is not complete since you two are not around.

Mom came over to shop for Chinese New Year lighting decoration. I liked that idea of her coming over, because it would mean that I could spend time with her, and not just the few hours when I go back weekly. I brought her around in Penang to shop for lighting of her liking. You should see her when she was trying to buy the one she liked. I did not think anything of the fuss people are making of Chinese New Year. So, to me, the lighting was just ok. I did not hate it. Nor that I loved it. But the look in mom's eyes told different stories. She looked like a little girl shown a lollipop. She looked so happy I did not want to spoil that delight.

Mom's resting now in the bedroom. She was cleaning my place for Chinese New Year, as well as putting up a small tree with plastic chili lighting. I thought it was unnecessary, but mom loved it. So, it would stay there for days, until Chinese New Year is over. :)

2010-01-27T19:27:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

I just got back from KL recently with my colleagues and students. I thought you should know that after all these years, your kid brother here was still fearful of heights. But of course you should also be delighted to know that I went up to the 41st floor Skybridge of Malaysia's Petronas Twin Tower.

My knees went weak, and I was practically in fear of watching the views below me. Just like you, my colleague told me to look far away, instead of looking down. It did not work. I walked like my feet rejected the idea of lifting themselves of the floor. I was basically gliding on the floor.

The fear went away after minutes on the bridge. It was still a scary experience for me, but Sis, your brother got up on the high floor.

Proud of me? :)

2010-01-10T23:27:00.003+08:00

Dear Sis,

Following Chinese calendar, today marks brother's passing away anniversary. I still don't like using the word death as I think the word is harsh. I still prefer to use the term passing away.

So, I got up early and left for BM. Knowing brother, he would not like the idea of us starting the prayers late. So, I reached BM today earlier than my weekend visit.

All the kids, including Adeline, were there.

Andy mentioned of his intention not to continue studying when he is done with SPM. I think somewhere there he was stealing glances to see my reaction. I did not give him any. I did not have any eye contact with him. Maybe it was the lousy me who really did not know my way of enforcing authority in the house. Maybe it was me who knew it would be another hopeless convincing from me.. that knowing he has already made up his mind. Maybe it was me who had already gave up hope on myself to expect my words to be respected.

I said nothing.

2010-01-03T16:23:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom's heartbeat raced again this afternoon, making her fearing the worst. It had happened before. In fact, it happened too often. The last time she told me, I told her to drink some water. I thought it could be the answer because she told me that the heart beat faster after her coffee.

She asked me if my life would be more peaceful if she were to go... as in, into another life, joining you and brother. I did not answer her. The reason was that it was a ridiculous answer and I was too tired to entertain her. And then, she asked if I would be a monk when she passed away. I have you to thank for that. ;p Feeding her with all those ideas of me leaving the layman's life.

I was more upset quietly that she did not even think of me now. She did not even ask me once of my lack of lovelife and if I was lonely. It was like she had already accept me for who I am, but it did not matter if I found someone or not.

And then she asked if I would be migrating to another country. ???

I think she got this sentimental often when I gave her monthly allowance and plus plus - repair for water pipe, her tv etc etc, when she felt guilty of taking the allowance I was giving her.

She had chopped the rose tree I loved so much. I loved the roses. I liked their fragrance. But it was a pity. A medium said that the thorns were bad for the house. A medium had advised mom on several alterations for the house - to open the main gate, and not the side-gate. To adjust brother's altar out and shift Kwan Yin's table further from brother's altar. And the medium mentioned of an Indian ghost in the house, but told mom that the ghost was harmless, only wandering to look for his relatives who had moved away.

Mom said she's better now. She suspects the oily chicken neck causing the heart to pump abnormally fast. She's giggling now, confessing her fear to eat another bite.

2009-12-21T23:08:00.004+08:00

Dear Sis,

Today is brother's anniversary of passing away. It has been 8 years since we got the tragic news of his passing away early in the morning. 8 years.. His kids are bigger now and the first two are almost adults. I wonder if he would be amazed how his daughter had turned out and if he would be so proud of his second son becoming the chairman slash president of the cadet group.

And if he would be disappointed with their mother for leading us into all this trouble.

He did tell his wife before that she was free to marry another man, should he go first, but she must leave the kids for mom to take care of, in the house that he had bought.

She did not marry, but she did sell the house away, and tried to take the kids away too. Sigh...

8 years and we were forced to face the change.

Juliana was discharged from hospital yesterday. Ji Fu managed to get ventilation machine at home for Juliana to breathe better. The machine should be rented for less than 2 months, until Juliana is able to breathe easier. The rental is cheap, only around S$100 to S$200 a month. The only pain we all were unable to face were Juliana's bruises when needles were poked through her tiny veins to help her with some drips. Ji Fu told me that the bruises had faded and that should be good news. :)

2009-12-15T11:06:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

It's Dec 15. It's brother's birthday. He would be 45 this year. Or 46, if mom has her way insisting on counting according to the Chinese calendar. :)

I'm in Singapore. It's my 3rd day here. I came to see Juliana. She's still in hospital and as told earlier by Ji-Fu and Tonah, Juliana is stable. She had a slight fever yesterday and is depending as well on the ventilation machine. The nurses in NUH were nice to her. Unfortunately, just like when she was born, and had to stay in the hospital then, she was not getting much sleep. I hardly saw her closing her eyes. She was shivering as usual due to her skinny feature.

Juliana slept a few seconds when mom held her. Later, when Tonah arrived to take over the shift from mom, Juliana slept longer. She must had been tired from being awake the whole day.

Mom stayed in the hospital more than 24 hours, to take care of Juliana. The same was done by Tonah. They took shift to relieve one another. You should see mom. You know mom. She would climb into the bed with Juliana and rest by her side. I do not know much of the hospital regulation but none of the staff members reprimanded mom for that. I guess it was okay.

Mom would be staying until this Friday, while I am leaving tonight for Penang.

Please look after Juliana. May she be well and happy.

2009-12-11T21:01:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Juliana is still in the hospital. Her lungs still carried the fluid, which was from her phlegm. When she swallowed, the phlegm did not go to her stomach, but instead went into her lungs. Now, it is jelly-like. The doctor talked about applying medicine to make it liquid again, so that the liquid would be able to be sucked out.

However, the doctor warned Ji Fu that the operation may or may not be a success, due to Juliana's weak condition. She may fall into coma, or even if it is successful, to fully recover, it may take weeks or months of stay in hospital.

Mom's in Singapore now. She's rotating shift with Tonah. Tonight, mom's taking care of Juliana in the hospital. Mom is staying overnight there, until tomorrow evening where Tonah would take over from her.

Mom said that sometimes it is difficult for Juliana to breathe, and this sets off the alarm. It is not easy to sleep beside Juliana's bed.

2009-12-08T23:26:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

May Juliana be well and happy.

Do look after her, Sis.

2009-12-06T22:45:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

Juliana has been moved from ICU to a normal ward, although she is still depending on breathing mask. Tonah is staying the night with her.

Mom is not feeling well. She has been sick for the past one week. She's planning to go to Singapore tomorrow but Ji Fu told her not to, until she is well.

2009-12-03T23:12:00.003+08:00

Dear Sis,

Ji Fu told me that Juliana's health has improved although she is still in the ICU. Hopefully she would be able to discharge soon.

Mom's not feeling well. But she said she should be leaving for Singapore to see your children by Monday. I hope she will recover by then.

2009-12-01T22:33:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Tonah called me today and briefed me on Juliana. She told me that she had found Juliana to be out of breath and suggested to Ji Fu to bring Juliana to the hospital. It was then the doctor admitted Juliana into ICU.

I was not sure how serious Juliana's situation was. If it was a real emergency case, I would want to be there with her. Ji Fu did tell me to come over if I would want to. However, I was also told that Juliana had stabilised and I was happy to hear that.

I did ask Tonah if Juliana's case would be like yours, when we were asked to be there in Singapore. Tonah told me not even to mention such a thing, coz she would cry badly. I had no choice. I was not really seeing a clear picture of Juliana's situation.

So, it was a relief for me when Tonah told me that Juliana would be expected to move out of ICU. Mom said Juliana was placed with a breathing mask.

Watch over your favourite star, Sis. Don't let her sleep in fear.

2009-12-01T09:44:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

Ji Fu informed me that Juliana is stable now. Let's hope that she will be alright and be discharged soon enough. I am worried about her having fear recognising strangers around her. I prefer if Tonah, her nanny or mom is with Juliana.

2009-11-30T21:42:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

Ji Fu just told me that your daughter was admitted into ICU, due to lung infection. :(

Please watch over her.

2009-11-22T11:42:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

Happy birthday...

You should be 44 this year...

2009-11-15T18:32:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Well, I want to tell you that Mom's the coolest, and maybe the craziest, mother around, but I think you already knew that. :)

My Chinese birthday is on Tuesday - the 1st day of the 10th moon. Mom wants to have a lo meal at home and hence, it was held today at lunch time. Adeline came back to celebrate for me too.

And because the kids were too shy to sing Happy Birthday for me, mom did it. Mom sang Happy Birthday in her totally broken English, which made the kids and me all smiley and happy.

2009-11-15T00:16:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Maybe it was me. Maybe it was the feeding of the expectation. But somehow I need to suppress any negative reaction from within, and I know I am going to be alright. Since when it becomes difficult?

Mom told me that the kids were planning to buy a cake for my Chinese birthday. I thought that was sweet. I mean, I did not expect anything much from them for my birthday, other than perhaps a wish or two. And if they would buy me the cake, it would be my first birthday present from them, not counting the best ever self-made birthday card Alvin made in 2002.

I was told that now mom had to buy, because none of them has the money. Strange. They have the money when it was their girlfriends' birthdays.

But then again, I told myself that they are kids. They know nothing better yet. They are still young. And it is just my silly expectation. Despite this, I still love them. Just like you loved me when I was difficult when I was younger - no matter what.

I remember when I bought you a guitar. You were so happy you rushed back to Malacca from Singapore. :) I think the year was 1988. :)

2009-11-09T21:31:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Perhaps mom was right. We do love money. Perhaps Penang grandma won't have to live in such a state if she had money. With money, perhaps her grandchildren would still want to be with her. Perhaps more grandchildren would spend more time with her. In fact, perhaps our cousins would not be embarrassed to invite her to their weddings, instead of living her to wait by the house staircase, all dressed up, not knowing that no one would be coming to pick her up. She would not have to learn the hard lesson that she was not wanted at the wedding of her grandchild.

Perhaps if she had money, she did not have to leave life in the state that she was in. Perhaps more would want to wrestle the chance away from mom to take care of grandma.

But no one did. Mom, the estranged daughter-in-law had to pay others to take care of grandma. Mom was not able to take care of grandma since mom was just released from the hospital for an operation.

I am thankful that our nephews and nieces would love us no matter how, and that they learned the same value as mom had always taught us - to love beyond the greed for money. To us, grandma was grandma. Brother, you and mom supported her through the hard times.

Even so, I did not see how Penang grandma would be able to have any money. Even her simple silver wares were stolen by father and our cousins to sell for drugs. So, grandma died the way she came to her life. She came with nothing, and she left leaving nothing.

I feel like taking this vow never to let mom fall into this position. Mom would never have to worry about leaving this world penniless.

2009-11-08T20:56:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

With the kids out to work (Alvin off to his cineplex job and Andy off to his part-time job at BM Billion), I was left to accompany mom this afternoon. Mom slept as I read my book. Granted, I could never read as fast as you - one book in one day. I am a slow reader - read: crawl. I just don't know how you did it.

I watched mom when she was sleeping. I realised that I slept in the same way as her - chest down, and tilt the face sideway. Mom said we all sleep the same way - her, brother, you and me. Except that you would have a small towel to cover your eyes when you were not able to sleep.

Mom mentioned during lunch time that my forehead is not the same as hers. Brother's, and your forehead were short, like mom's. Mine was longer. I think she wanted to point out my problem of hairloss, but she skipped that and went on to mention that no one in the family has a long forehead like me. I pointed out that her father was like that. Mom was more interested to point out that my father was like that. Damn.

2009-11-06T17:30:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

I dreamed of brother and you early this morning. It is so rare for me to dream of you, talking to you. And what more, to dream of brother and you two at the same time.

You did not say much to me, but I was excited to see you and wanted brother to know that you were around. I searched for him and found him, but he did not smile much. Just like you. I did not notice that you two did not seem happy. I was too happy that I was more eager to get you two together with mom and me, so that we could take one photo together.

And then, I woke up.

I do not like that we do not have a good photo of us together when we had grown up. :(

2009-11-03T23:20:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom said that Alvin is so much like his father. Mom said that brother used to peek into her room late at night before he would go to sleep - to check on mom. To see if mom was asleep.

Mom said that now Alvin would do the same thing at night.

: D

2009-11-02T21:28:00.003+08:00

Dear Sis,

Guess what our silly nephews did for my birthday?

I was wondering why Alvin woke up so early when I went back on Sunday. Usually he would still be asleep, and sometimes even still asleep when I head back to Penang. This time, he woke up when I was around in the morning and companied me for lunch. Mom said that he was doing it for my birthday. :)

Andy did the same too. :) So sweet of them.

I was touched that they had had lunch with me. Mom cooked for me my favorite dishes. :D

P/s: Andy had been elected to be the President of his cadet team. Wow, huh? :)

2009-10-30T00:00:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

I am 39 today.

39, sis.. What do you think?

39 years ago, you came to the general hospital after school. You stole glimpses of me through the window. You made your face and complaint that I was so 'o' (black). That I looked like a Malay boy. :)

I have wishes. Above all, I wish mom will have a great health. I wish that the kids will grow up smart and responsible. I wish that I will have a calmer heart to bear with my days ahead. I wish that I have the patience to deal with life's tests for me, which seems like some unpractical joke. I wish that my wait will be over soon. I wish for more understanding. I wish for greater wisdom.

I wish that you are alright, wherever you may be now. I wish that you are okay. I wish that you are happy. I wish that you are taking care of yourself well. I wish you are living a good life.

And if possible, I wish you'd still remember me.

Love you. Miss you tonight.

2009-10-25T11:17:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

Leng Tin said to me, when I was a kid, in Berapit, that a white taint on my finger nail means that I was a naughty boy, or I thought naughty thoughts. I think she meant dirty thoughts. I was like.. that did not go well with my image as the goodie boy.

Of course what my colleagues shared with me recently made more sense. Basically, I am not healthy.

Not that it was wrong about me and thinking naughty.

2009-10-24T11:02:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

I asked mom if delivering us was painful for her, since that we all are 'tua tau' (big head). I asked because I remember you telling mom that it was so painful to deliver Justina. Mom said yes.

And then mom went on to talk about labour pain. She said it was most painful when it was delivering brother. Mom said the pain was for 2 days and 2 nights.

Mom said the labour pain for you was only half a day.

I was the same too - half a day.

And then mom said by the time I was born, she was already tired and pissed off. She did not even care to look at me.

Mom had told me this story before, and I had written too, but she must had forgotten when she told me this story again on the phone.

She told me she did not care to hold me. When the nurse brought me in, all wrapped up, she just put me beside her and turned to the other side to sleep. The nurse came back in and saw, and told mom that it was dangerous. I could have fallen off, or was it she could have crushed me in her sleep?

Mom said that then she realized I was a good baby, and that I did not even cry when I was unattended. She felt guilty and pulled me up close to her.

There was a pause on our phone conversation. I did not know what to say. It was not the nicest thing she was doing, but I kinda understood she was tired and fed-up that I was another mouth for her to feed, without any help from father. I was not upset. How could I? I know she loves me. I will not judge from that one silly incident.

Mom must had thought I was upset to know that, and she did not know what to say as well, and then she broke into laughter. I laughed lightly and reminded her jokingly that this would be a good ground to reduce my monthly allowance for her.

2009-10-23T10:56:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

I asked mom how many times father faked his death?

Mom said twice. Once was the one I had mentioned in the previous blog.

There was another. Mom said she was in the house when she heard a loud thug. So, she opened the door, where she knew father was in. She wondered what dropped. Apparently, father was trying to hang himself but the rope snapped and he fell crashing down.

Upon seeing mom, he hit mom with a stick, upset that no one cared that he was trying to commit suicide.

...

Mom said once she was so angry with father, that she wanted to pour boiling water all over father, when she saw him sleeping near the front door. I asked her if she was willing to bear the consequences. She said she was so angry (provoked??) that she could not think any further then. She wanted to hurt him badly. She imagined him to be jumping around in pain and hopefully would just die.

I think others had hope the same too.

2009-10-18T23:12:00.003+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom just told me that Leng Ee was in hospital because she fainted. I thought maybe she was overwork. She was too tired. Maybe she was too sad over the Leng U's passing away. Mom said that they are speculating that perhaps Leng U's spirit is causing this. Apparently, there was an argument with Leng Ee before Leng U took his own life. He might have wanted to borrow money for drugs again and Leng Ee did not want to give.

Leng U tried to take his life before. Some things often broke when he attempted. He failed. Either the rod he tied string to snapped, or the rope he used torn. But this time, it did not. The belt held on, and the nails were strong enough this time.

He reminded me of father. Remember those nights he tried to take his life? I know I had written about this before.

Like the wee hour of the morning, when grandpa had to ask us all to wake up. I think it should be around 3am. I was so sleepy. But I had to get up because we had to march ourselves down to the kitchen. Because if we did not, (and we knew he would survive his stupid attempt) we would be beaten up the next day for not trying to do anything to stop him or to console him not to. Damn him.

There, father would lie on the floor, with him wearing his common sarong around his hips. He would put that act that he was almost lifeless. A soap box cover lied beside him, with little water in it together with the soap. He would make the soap water to drink. That was his way of committing suicide.

So, the two of us (I really cannot remember where brother was - was he lucky enough to escape all this??) would kneel down (because we had to act this really well) and begged father not to do it.. not to kill himself.. I was so sleepy, I would just mumble whatever grandpa told me to say.. hey, I was only 8 or 9 years old...

And after a few minutes, grandpa would tell us to retire to bed. As we walked away, I heard you grumbled inn Hokkien - If really want to die, eat the soap la. Why drink the water only?

I was agreeing with you.

2009-10-17T01:14:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom used to say that when Penang Ma passed away, the relatives in Penang would go their own ways and there would be no reason for us to stick together as close as in the past. Well, mom was wrong. Because of mom, we still meet the other relatives.

I thought of Berapit. The reason we are still go back to Berapit is because mom is still around. If brother is still around, perhaps we would have been closer to Berapit. Brother would make sure that his kids would mingle with the cousins there. Since his passing away, his wife only made sure that the kids would be close to her relatives and not ours in Berapit.

As long as mom is still around, I am aware of some of the happenings in Berapit - like who were treated in hospital, who passed away, who got into trouble with the law, who got into argument with whom.. Without mom, I doubt anyone there would call me up to tell me. Not that I would know who to call. My conversation would be so fake and my attempt would be so Berapit-less. I don't speak their language.

When I was there, I was a little envious of their comfort and how they would be so close. I was just a stranger. I am a relative, but a stranger. It's rather okay. It's not like I am really putting in effort to be a part of their world. I have my own now, and they have theirs. But it still did not stop me from wondering.

2009-10-15T18:17:00.004+08:00

Dear Sis,

We sent Leng U chu shua (send leng U off) today.

Many cried at his wake. Even though he did not live a successful life in jobs and more, I saw him as a beloved uncle to the kids in our old Berapit village. The kids loved him. They cried till their eyes were red. Leng See, Leng Tin and Leng Ee cried, but I did expect that from them, because they were the Nyew's I have known.

Tua Ku looked bitter and angry with Leng U for taking his own life. Tua Ku had already lost one son - Leng Chew and now he had to bid farewell to another. Mom said that Tua Ku initially wanted the funeral to be conducted away from the home - something expected of him to say when he was angry. But at the end, the wake was held in the our old Berapit home. I saw Tua Ku's eyes reddish as well.

Looking at Ji Ku, Tua Ee and Sah Ee, I wondered what went in their heads that they had to go through such funeral wakes of those younger than them. They had lost 3 nephews and 1 niece. That was something that they did not expect of, but it did happen. They had to shed tears to such moments of losing kids that they had looked after.

But then again, they had only attended three funeral wakes - brother's, Leng Chew's and Leng U's. They did not attend yours, as yours was in Singapore.

I looked around the houses that once my school holiday getaways. I did not believe Ah Poh's living room was so small. I remember Ah Poh wearing her mua (sarong), making paper bags for sale, as she smoked her thin, rolled cigarettes. I used to help her to ji chua (fold papers). She called me kuai for that. The place used to be able to fit Ah Poh, Ji Kim and me. But now, I hardly can imagine stretches of paper bags between Ah Poh at one end, and me at the other.

And then, when night comes, all the kids would sit around the tv, as it was the only possible entertainment around.

The only thing that still looked the same is the well in Ji Kim's kitchen. It hardly changed. It gave me a good feeling of going back to the childhood years when I latched the door close.

Ti Loon accompanied me for most of the time at the wake. Without him, perhaps I would have problems in comforting myself in a place so familiar, and yet so alien to me. Ba Chai came later, and I did chat with him. Since he had become a Christian, he did not join the procession, although he did hang around and send Leng U off.

All those kids in the village are related to me, but they had no idea who I was, and neither were they bothered. My past in the village is now just a past. I no longer belong in that corner of my world. But somehow.. this place built a part of my past.

Leng U's funeral wake was held for one night. This is the standard practice for a single man. I cannot help to wonder of my own. It's gonna be short. And would the kids know how to arrange for mine when the time comes?

As the last moment arrived for us to pay our last respect to Leng U, the brothers and sisters knelt down first. I thought of me, and how I would be the only one to kneel for mom, when the time comes, and of course I want it to be a moment never too soon. Somehow, not having you and brother around put the weight on the moment. Hm.

2009-10-13T23:49:00.003+08:00

Dear Sis,

Leng U is no longer with us. Our cousin took his own life a few hours ago, and his funeral would be held until Thursday.

His life was heading downhill ever since his involvement with the illegal substance.

This guy who used to be so close to brother and you.

Mom told me that he shed tears when he learned that you had left us.

And now, mom cried for him in return.

2009-10-11T17:47:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom told me another story that I did not know of before. She said that you used to sell sweets.

???

She said that when you were studying in Singapore, you did many odd jobs so that you did not have to trouble mom with your financial situation. I know that you did try to be a salesperson. I cannot remember what you were selling. You gave tuition, so that your rental would be lowered. I know that you had to be your classmates' errand handler - buying them drinks so that you could use Malaysian coins, instead of the Singaporean coins they passed to you. The point is still that you had to run errands.

And this - selling sweets?

Mom said that you did not make much money from the sweets. Whatever it was back then, mom said you made just enough to cover your expenses monthly.

Mom felt guilty to tell me that she lost RM600 recently. She did not dare to tell me, worrying that I would be upset about needing to spend money again. I told her it was not a deliberate attempt of hers to lose money, and there should be no reason to think that I would be upset over this. I reminded her that you lost her money before too, when you were supposed to help mom to send money back to Penang, for brother to pay for his motorcycle's deposit. You were so upset about losing the money that you cried. Mom did not scold you. Brother did, over the phone.

I did not have any reason to be upset with mom. These things happen.

2009-10-07T21:43:00.003+08:00

Dear Sis,

Malaysia's cable tv, Astro, was showing a re-run of Friends. I know you loved this tv series.

I was sad last night. And somehow disappointed that when I tried to call my friends, I was not able to reach anyone until I called the 7th number. It was like a desperation just to have someone to talk to, and yet I was not able to get anyone.

I could not talk to mom. To mom, as long as I have my health and my job, and am able to support myself and her, and the kids, I am alright. I wonder sometimes if she wonders of my love life, or the lack of it. I had that moment last night, that I was bitter about my failure to even find someone, anyone, that my mind was disturbed and sad.

I could not talk to mom about this. Not that she would understand.

I kinda wished you were around, where I could reach you within the touch of a few numbers dialed.

Eventually, I was lucky to find a friend, and talked. By the time I hung up the phone a few minutes, I felt better.

I am okay now.

I was watching the Season One of Friends just now. The part where Phoebe told Ross that he and Rachel were meant for one another - like lobsters, holding claws together for life.

The video where Ross' crush for Rachel was revealed and how Rachel realized the things Ross would do to impress her and made her happy. By the time Rachel kissed Ross, I shed a tear.

I hate a life without love.

2009-10-06T21:40:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

I told mom recently that a friend claimed that she saw a white shadow following me days before. She said that I was unclean. However, on the day she told me that, she said I was clean that day.

I was expecting mom to be making a big fuss over this. She said she would consult temple for me. Turned out that she changed her mind after talking to Tua Ee and Ah Guan ko. Apparently, our reborn Christian Tua Ee and Ah Guan ko said no white shadow would harm a Buddhist like me.

Hm.

I remember when I became a Buddhist. It was like the world was changing drastically because you all imagined my world of living off as a strict Buddhist, or heaven forbids, a monk. You and her were not easy with the idea of me being active with the Buddhist activities...

Now, years later, suddenly I am all goodie and untouchable? Hm. Of course no one really believes that I am untouchable, but the idea of a white shadow following me is not exactly an alarming news enough for mom.

LOL.

2009-10-03T12:38:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

It's the Mooncake Festival period again. Mom was busy in the kitchen, preparing dishes to honour - as a respect for the departed ones. She said that even when she woke up as early as 6am, time was not sufficient for her to get the meals ready by 10am. Mom kept saying that Ah Poh would be upset.

The empty table awaiting for dishes, for 8 departed souls.

Traditional dish to serve.

Mom slaving herself in the kitchen for hours.

Half of the meals prepared.

Another view.

Our favorite dishes.

I wondered if you had ever thought that one day mom would be the one who would be doing the cooking for you and brother? I know. Children are supposed to outlive their mothers. Life is so cruel. So, the situation is turned and mom's the one who's cooking for you two. Do take care of her.

Mom complaint her legs were in pain by the time she was done with cooking at 12pm. And then she had to do the cleaning.

Enjoy the dishes while you can, sis. One day, when mom is no longer around, I doubt I would know how to cook the dishes. I just have to buy, to follow the tradition. As a Buddhist, I don't really see these as wastes. The meals were taken by us - Mom, me and the healthy three boys in the house - Alvin, Andy and Andy's friend, after the prayer. The moment taken for reflection was good. However, knowing the kids, I doubt that they would continue the tradition, which means that the line might end with me.

Adeline did not join us this year. Apparently, she had things to do - in school, in her aunt's place and her other grandma's place.

Mom said the souls, which included yours, were not appeased. Mom said it could be brother's, as his soul did not come back on time to eat the dishes. And it did not want us to clear up the dishes, even after several requests made to clean up.

2009-09-29T22:43:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom was touched that Andy advised her not to sleep on the floor anymore as her age is a cause of concern. Mom lied on mattress on the floor, while Andy and his friend would sleep on the beds. Now that Andy is moving into the third room in BM house, he told mom to care more for her age and to sleep properly on the bed, instead of the floor.

Mom told me. I knew she wanted to let me know that Andy cared.

2009-09-28T23:01:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom instilled the respect for gods in us. That's how I have always been grateful to you. Sometimes, I think that mom taught us to be fearful of gods too, so that we would always be the good people we were expected to be. Not that it stopped us from doing something naughty at times, but as long as we did not go too evil in our heads.

I am a Buddhist. I have always been a Buddhist since the time you knew I got active being one. Not that I am a great Buddhist. I am happy to be a Buddhist. However, in my world, we learn to be a refuge onto ourselves and not to heavenly deities.

But this does not make me see the world of gods and goddesses any different. Mom still carry out the rituals that she was taught from when she was a little girl and poor, to the present time when she is a matured woman and still very much respectful of heaven's expectation.

The only time I saw mom talked back to 'heaven' was when brother and you were taken away from her. She cried so hard that anger built up deep within her. She cursed, but nothing un-respectful, demanding for any explanation why we had to lose you two.

To mom, it does not matter if we are praying to Chinese Gods and Goddesses or Hindu Gods and Goddesses, as long as we are praying to them. Mom believes they exist and some are helpful in times of need.

I passed by Dato' Keramat Road Hindu temples recently. I am fond of the Hindu temples there. I remember mom used to bring us in to pay our respects to the Gods there. Perhaps it was then I had that much admiration for Lord Ganesh.

Now that I am a Buddhist, I am grateful for whatever mom had done which kept me on the track to be a Buddhist on my own. Without her instilling the respect and positive fear in me for heaven, gods and goddesses, I might not have come close to be a Buddhist. For that, I am always grateful to her, and to the idea of gods-eology.

2009-09-21T20:15:00.001+08:00

Dear Sis,

That woman came back today, for the first time, to our BM home since the day she ran off, leaving mom and I to handle all the money trouble she was in.

She came back to the house because Alvin did not make any effort to go and see her when she sneaked back into Penang and stayed quietly in her own sister's place. I am not sure if Alvin was thrilled with the idea of her going back to see him.

She addressed mom, after she came in through the back door. Well, at least she addressed mom properly, instead of being impolite. But mom said that woman locked herself in Alvin's room for the whole stay. Mom did not try to talk to her that much, just in case if that woman would think mom would want to ask for money from her.

I knew mom wanted to know if I was free on Wednesday to go back to BM to see that woman. I have no desire to see that woman. If possible, I prefer to avoid her. Of course mom was still thinking of the bank's RM3000+ which was left untouched after the sale of the double-storey BM house. The stupid OUB made me pay more before the final settlement. I ended up paying with my own money, just to settle the case. And then OUB wanted to return the money, which was no longer possible to be accepted by me, as the house sale was in both of our names. Without her signature, I won't be able to get the money. To ask her for her signature, I bet she would be making it like I was troubling her and she would want half of the money.

To give myself a peace of mind, I prefer to avoid her. And it is not possible when mom keeps bringing up that issue.

2009-09-17T21:14:00.003+08:00

Dear Sis,

One part of our lives which I hardly mentioned was our connection with Bahau. I used to tell my friends that mom been to more towns in Malaysia than me. Think of Johor and we have mom been to Muar, Batu Pahat, Johor Bahru, Kluang and one or two more towns I cannot remember right now. I have never even been to these towns except Johor Bahru and Kluang.

Another was Kuantan, which we went when I was really young.

Mom and you, sis. : )
Just like this photo, I pray that my memories of us would not blur away.

I was choking on sea water. Mom bent her body backward. The unfair game. ;p
I was not allowed to splash water at her, afraid of ruining her hair.

And then, there was Bahau, Negeri Sembilan. Mom worked there, and that was the only place close enough to Malacca and convenient for young us to visit her. Anyway, mom also took over a coffee shop, which turned out to be profitable for her and her business partner. The deal did not last long. The owner was jealous of mom's success and took back the shop. Last I heard, the shop did not make money again.

It was in Bahau we met David. He was mom's young boyfriend. He was younger than mom, but mom, being a looker when she was in her 30's, caught his heart. Mom thought he was too young, but he was persistent. So, mom dated him. Mom could not pronounce his name. So, mom called him 'Labbit'. :)

I have always thought of mom as a kampung girl with an open-mind. The fact that she was okay with dating a young man (and the only young man in her life she dated), she was also open-minded with the way we all had carried our lives.

2009-09-14T23:22:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Andy recently chatted up with me. Why am I writing about this? Frankly, I have been worried that as they grow up, we may grow out of topic to talk about. And it has been a trend for the past few years where I am not good in catching up with his world and friends he has. Imagine, I learned only recently in Singapore that Andy is already on his 3rd girlfriend scale. Wow. I did not even gf 1 and gf 2.

Nevertheless I was happy he was talking. He spoke of his Buddhist group and how they are becoming more popular and how the group is dancing at Times Square at the end of September. You should know that smelting company at Jalan Dato Keramat is already converted to Penang Times Square.

I told Andy about Malacca. I do hope that we are able to make a trip to Malacca this December. Ji Fu said that he would drive there with your kids. Mom, the kids and I would meet him there, for us to take a tour around Malacca. I told Andy that if possible, I wish I could show him my name on the school board. I told him that I was awarded Student Example of the Year award, and I knew these names would be listed on the board displayed on the school wall. However, since that I have not been back to Malacca for so long, I would not know if the board should still be hanging on the Malacca High School wall.

Well, I had to tell him something for him to be proud of his godfather. I am nothing like brother when it comes to prowess. And you? You were the school prefect - the only one path of yours that I was not able to follow. I want so badly to achieve something that someone would be proud of me for. You do remember that I won Best Librarian Award in SRK Seri Bandar, right? I did not invite you to my award ceremony. I did not know why. I should have. It was just that at the time, I thought it was not a big deal. Somewhere in my head now, I remember some vague memory of my friend Kim Lai bringing it up and you asked me why I did not tell you. I just shrugged. I regretted now.

But you were there to witness me picking up my Best Red Crescent award and also the Student Example award that year. You came back all the way from Singapore for it. :)

I wonder if the kids would think something highly of this too. :)

2009-09-13T16:53:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

I just got back from BM home, where mom cooked for me my favorite dishes again. Mom is picking up part-time jobs at her age of 65. She takes care of a Chinese Association in the evening, and in the morning, our distant cousin Pau Kia is asking her to take care of a Karaoke center. I suspected that it was more like to be a cleaning lady, but apparently for the two days there, she was in charge of money and switching on the power. She seems to be okay with the idea to occupy her time, but just that she does not want to work on Sunday morning, because she said that would be the day I come home. So, mom wants to be at home to cook for me.

I helped Alvin to fix his computer today, and for that, I got two cheek kisses from our 18 year old nephew. Yes, no matter how old they are, I still insist them to give me a welcome kiss on the cheek. They don't really mind, they as in Alvin, Andy, Adeline and Justina, as long as they don't have to do it in public. Mom still gets her kisses on the cheek too.

Alvin's computer was down and he had trouble to go online. I helped to the best I could, although I was worried I might disappoint him. Luckily, I was able to and it made me feel good. At least I was not the useless uncle. :)

2009-09-10T23:28:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

I asked mom if father took drug because he was heart-broken we left him. Mom said yes. Mom said that the morning when she came to take me out from the school, father was waiting for me to return from school. He waited for me until it was 3 in the afternoon and then he realized I was gone.

You did not. You stayed behind, because you needed to sit for SRP examination that year. So, you stayed alone in that ill-fated room. Mom said you were scared, because father came to look for you when he could not find me. He even threw rocks at the window because you refused to step out to meet him.

You ran away a few days later, and stayed with Ee-Poh at Lorong Selamat for a few days. And then, you moved to Butterworth to stay with mom's friend, Ah Yu. Mom said you were having a tough time then, running from one house to another, to avoid father. You cycled from Ah Yu's place in Butterworth, took the ferry and then cycled to your school MGS at Anson Road. Mom said thank goodness that Ah Yu cared for you a lot, to be willing to take care of you.

I did not know that you faced this kind of days on your own when mom took me to Malacca to stay away from father. Your headmaster refused to let mom signed you out of MGS, saying that only father could do so. I was different. My headmaster was already aware of our family situation and he was the one who advised mom to take us far, far away from father. He let mom signed me out of Pykett.

Brother went to talk to father, persuading him to let you go. Brother said that I was alone in Malacca and needed you to take care of me. You know, mom was constantly on the move to earn money for us, and I was left to the care of Auntie Rose in Bukit Serendit. Maybe because it was brother. Father signed the paper, and you came over to Malacca to join me.

...

Why did our lives become so complicated?

2009-09-09T22:36:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

I think someone who is taking pills. And helping to sell pills. Why are they doing this to themselves?

Don't worry, sis. After all these years, I am still the little brother you knew and brought up well. I don't do drugs (other than panadols/aspirins), don't smoke and don't drink. Maybe I have father to thank for this.

I don't know at which point the three of us were no longer taking any beatings from father. Did he stop because we had outgrown him, or because he was stupidly weak, from his addiction to drug? I'd like to believe it was the former. But somehow, I guess the latter mattered too.

For once, I wonder how he changed from an abusive alcoholic to a drug addict. And then I wonder did he really suffer losing us that he became a drug addict to forget his pain? Did he feel pain of losing us? I don't really link father to someone who cry over us. But he did start taking drugs after we ran away to Malacca, to start a new life there.

I do not feel responsible for him. I am tired now of his nonsense, dragging us all through the many nights of living in fear and terrified of his presence. So, perhaps the drug did set us free.

When we came back to live in Penang, he was already a sick case. He was so weak, I think I was able to handle him too, if he should find any single ounce of energy to act tough.

You were always the good daughter. Even though you knew he had the bad habit of spending whatever money you would give him as monthly allowance, you still give, in hope that he did not have to beg others for money to buy food at times.

The last time you gave him money, you told him the same thing - don't spend it on drugs, although the three of us knew he would. He did. Instead of paying back another guy whom he had been owing for drugs, he spent the money by buying from another supplier. The guy was so angry he hit father on the head with a rock.

Father died days later from internal bleeding.

He was mighty and fearless when he was an alcoholic. He died alone when he was a drug addict.

Maybe I sympathize with him now. But only we know how much we hated him then for ruining our lives.

2009-09-07T12:35:00.003+08:00

Dear Sis,

Apparently for whatever memory blog I had when I was young till when I was 9, I remember things well now. Sometimes, my friends and colleagues claimed that I remember things they don't even remember, and yet my memories were about them.

I have selected memories. I remember only things I thought were interesting or have impact on me.

Not when I was before 9. I don't remember much.

Coincidentally mom talked about her driving, saying that it was good that she does not have a car or drive. If not, she would have to fetch Tua Ee often enough for their night outings, which are very often.

I told mom of the story I penned on her car, and she told me that she even drove us all when we were kids to Tanjung Bungah for a swim. I have no recollection. I mean, mom driving me? I should remember me being in her car. But I have a blackout of our childhood memories, except for one or two strong ones. Other than that.. why did I remember none? Sigh.

I would have been nice to cherish moments with mom in my young memories. Now, I am living off whatever she told me. Like, the car she paid $2000 for, had to be parked in the saloon, because she was worried about father finding out, which of course, eventually he did, and threatened to burn. So, she had to sell it off for RM1800, losing more than RM500 for whatever expenses occurred when she bought and had to sell it.

Memories don't fail me, please. Not until I am done writing all I can for the kids to remember us.

2009-09-06T18:49:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

I packed from BM home food to be brought back for dinner. Told mom that I was going to use it to pai you before consuming it as dinner for myself.

I know the dishes looked normal and nothing extra-ordinary. They can be purchased from anywhere, but these dishes are mom's cooking. Just because you are no longer around physically, that does not mean you should be denied of mom's cooking, which I know you and I both love. Mom shed a little tear, worrying that if it had not been for me, there would be no one to pai you. I told mom that she herself admitted that in Singapore, your xin jiu pai was placed so behind in the temple, we could not even see the wood board anymore to feel that we are paying respect to you.

But still, mom was happy that effort was made to make sure that you could still taste her cooking. I took the dishes back as a gesture of respect for your wish, as well as mine, that in your afterlife, someone still carries out whatever tradition needed to honor your sacrifices. You said before, as I am a Buddhist, I would not carry out the Chinese tradition to honor you, and here I am still, after 8 years, doing whatever little I can to make sure that you are honored in the Chinese tradition way, even though I am still a Buddhist.

Hope you are around to taste mom's cooking. Eat well, Sis. :)

2009-09-05T00:41:00.000+08:00

Dear Sis,

Months after you had passed away, mom told me between her sniffings, in Hokkien of your wish.

Mom: Lu eh jie jie kong kui - ee ai beh ho wah ganja.
(Your sister said before that she had wanted to buy me ganja.)

I did not say anything. Mom was still sad. After losing brother and then 50 days later, lost you, I was not ready to tell mom off. I wondered where you came up with this idea. I did not know whether I should be upset with you, or to try to see the logic of your intention. I was puzzled. I was hating it that I had to be the child left to deal with this. Did mom really need ganja to feel better - to forget the pain of her heart of losing her two children?

Months later, mom mentioned it again.

Mom: Lu eh jie jie kong ee ai beh ho wah ganja.
(Your sister said she wanted to buy me ganja.)

This time, I was more ready, and besides, mom was more stable then.

Me: Mah.. mai si sua kong ua. Jie jie beh eh neh kong eh.
(Mom, don't simply say this. Sister won't say such a thing.)

Mom: Oo. Ee oo kong kui.
(Yes. She did say before.)

Me: Ui hiam la, mah. Jie jie mana eh ai beh ho lu.
(Dangerous, mom. Sis won't buy for you such.)

Mom: Lu eh jie jie kong wah eh hua. Seh teng nyah mah.
(Your sister said I can drive it. It's small.)

It was then I realised mom was talking about Kancil, and not ganja. Oh.

Mom did own a car before when we were younger. But the jealous father wanted to burn her car if she did not sell it off. Probable he was jealous that mom earned money enough to have a car, and he did not even have a bicycle. So, mom had to sell it off. Poor her. If only she drove it often when she was younger, she would have been comfortable to drive a car now, and I would not have to worry much about her on motorcycle these days.

Mom did get a second hand car after you were gone, but it ended up being driven around by cousin Ah Guan because mom did not know how to handle the gearstick. It was eventually sold off to an Ah Long to clear Ah Guan's debt.

2009-09-04T14:36:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom said that rain fell heavily after the prayer yesterday. It was a good thing that she managed to burn the gold and silver prayer papers for you, brother, dad, uncle and grandma before the rain came down.

Cousin Ah Guan noticed mom did not cry. This was a first, for all the months of Lunar 7th Month prayers since your passing away. Mom was also surprised she did not.

Maybe because Ah Guan was there with his children and the house was merrier. :D

On the downside, rain water is leaking into the house. The house is ill.

2009-08-30T22:00:00.003+08:00

Dear Sis,

Mom works herself in the kitchen everyday, especially Sunday, because it is the day I go back to see her. After having lunch with me, where we would talk about her friends, and the kids, I would tease her if it would be another busy day for her. Which of course this would cause a train of description of her busy schedule of the day, which is the same, everyday. After talking to me, she would usually tend to the dog, or her flowers.

Someone stole mom's flowers. The neighbour saw it and told mom that one car just stopped in front of the house. The driver stepped down and without asking, took mom's flowers. Neighbour said the owner owned a bungalow house down the corner. Hm. Rich people.

And after tending the flowers, mom would play tv game before proceeding to watch Astro, as she lied on the mattress to fall asleep. Yup. Mom's already 65 years old, and she picked up this habit of playing tv game. LOL. Once, she told me she got gastric because she played the game until she forgot to eat her lunch. By the time she realized, it was already past 4pm. Mom... and yet, she was still young in her mind. ;p Hehehe...

Anyway, these are photos of her pots of flowers.

And this is pur 65 year old mom playing tv game. :)

2009-08-27T21:11:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

I have such an inferiority complex that sometimes it bothers me. It irritates me.

I don't know if you had such a situation.

I can look at someone so beautiful and I feel myself unworthy to even approach the person. And if the person does befriend me, I would feel that I am such a lucky person, but still never good enough to go anywhere further than this.

I wonder if this is due to the way I was brought. What was it that made me feel that I am not worthy of anyone's attention or time? Or that I have to settle for less because that is the best I could get.

Did you have this?

2009-08-26T22:43:00.002+08:00

Dear Sis,

Tua Ku is in hospital. Mom went to see him. You know mom. She thinks this is an obligation to keep families close. She gave Tua Ku RM30, and apologised for the amount. She told him that she hoped he would understand that she did not have that much money. Tua Ku cried.

Sometimes, I don't understand the relationship between those siblings. I mean, after so long, mom still has her two brothers and sisters. And they are not really talking to each other. Ji Ku is not in talking terms with Sah Ee. Mom just accused Sah Ee of loving her less now that mom has moved back to a smaller house. Mom kept quoting that Sah Ee visited her less now, and visited Tua Ee more, even though mom is only a few minutes away in distance. I did not approve of mom comparing like this, but mom being mom, she said she has always liked visits. Not having many often, mom feels left out.

Tua Ku should be discharged tomorrow. He vomitted and paniced. He should be alright.

I was at a friend's apartment recently. His balcony looked out to the sea. It was lovely. His place was wonderful. Every detail in the house spelled out his life comfort. So wonderful that I felt sad. I wish I could have an apartment like that. But it is priced at RM350,000 - something that I can never afford to have.

As I type this, I think perhaps all is not bad. Sure, I don't have such luxury living. But I am luckier. I have mom. I have a mom who sacrificed her life for me. Sacrificed for you. For brother. We have a mom who put us first before her.

Recently I told her to stop complaining that she was bad luck, that she did not have a good life. I told her that when she said that to her friends, I would feel like I am the lousy son for I am unable to provide a good, rich life for her. That I am not doing a good job.

She said nonsense. She said that her friends knew what I am doing. I felt a little pride. Someone told her I am one son who is worth as much as ten children. :)

2009-08-23T20:40:00.003+08:00

Dear Sis,

Alvin asked me why he did not attend your funeral. He was 10 years old. I told him it was his mother. And his mother's mother. And of course the ridiculous Chinese tradition. Somehow we have built a long list of what-to-do and a longer list of what-not-to-do as Chinese that we forget to live.

We left for Singapore on the day we got the call from Ji Fu that we should and had to be there. I was expecting the worst, but I did not want to jinx it. There was something in my head telling me not to think nonsense, for the fear that nonsense might come true. So, mom, Ah Soh and I left for Singapore to be with you in the hospital, without bringing the kids along.

Besides, brother's funeral just touched 49th day one day before and we were not sure of taboos we should not be crossing.

When you passed away that evening, Ah Soh disappeared, leaving me to handle heart-broken mom. Ji Fu was really accommodating, and so were your Singaporean friends. Most of them cried for your husband, Juliana and Justina, and mom too, for they knew mom had just lost brother 50 days before. They were really worried for mom, wondering if she could take the pain again so soon.

I had no choice but to rise up the occassion and be strong for mom. I knew Ji Fu was strong enough for your two kids, but mom? I was the only child left for mom.

Alvin did not join us because somehow Ah Soh's mother liked to interfere in our family decision-making. She did not even want Ah Soh to join the procession to send brother off to his graveyard. So, what more this? I have to confess that I did not like that old woman. I did not like Ah Soh's decision to disappear too. I thought she should be there with us in such times of hardship. But she claimed that being a new widow, she could not bear to pass her dirty aura onto you. Which I thought was a stupid decision. I did not argue with her, because I thought she was not in a steady mind yet since brother's passing away. Moreover, I knew she was torn between listening to her own mother and honoring our family's root.

So, Alvin was not there because no one could decide that a Chinese custom should not be simply interpreted to cause anxiety and fear. Alvin was not there because no one stood up to stop all the nonsense. Alvin was not there for your funeral because I did not stand up for our family. :(